Wanting to save the world 1 baby at a time

This past week, exactly 1 month from the birth of our fist match, we were given the opportunity to parent another baby.

At first, we were thrilled, overjoyed, ecstatic, excited and happy. That was until we learned more about this baby.

The precious baby boy was born August 4th at 29 weeks old. He weighed 3lbs and was 15 inches long. His mother had been addicted to heroin and once she found out she was pregnant, she decided to get clean and was put on methadone.
The baby was is healthy as to be expected for a 29 weeker. He will not be released from this hospital until he is 36 weeks.

When we learned all we could about this match, I started doing my research.
What are the long term effects of methadone addictions?
Long term effect of premature babies?
 How could this affect us?
After learning all that I could, I realized I wanted to save him. I want to save all the babies who need a home.
Although, after talking with Nathan we decided to pass on this baby.
Heartbroken, I pray that this birth mom finds a family to love, support, and care for him.

So we continue to wait for the baby God has picked for us...

Whoever said "forgetting is easy" is wrong

Well it has been a few weeks since our hearts were broken so I thought I would try to explain everything.
We were in OH for 9 days. 6 of those days we spend with the birth mom. We were by her side all day. We provided support and were a comfort while she endured 60 hours of labor. We really got to know each other. We made plans to meet yearly, sending gifts and pictures of the baby, and we heard her plans of getting on with her life.
After 60hrs the doctors decided on a c- section. I was honored to be asked to go into surgery with her. She wanted me with the baby as soon as she was out. It was truly a miracle to witness the birth of, what we thought would be, our child.  The baby was born at 1:44pm weighing in at 8lbs exactly and 18 3/4 inches long ( it's amazing that I remember all of this).  She was gorgeous. She scored low on her APGAR so she was sent to the NICU. Nathan and I were able to go with her. I did not leave her side. I was able to feed her her first bottle, change her first diaper, and give her her first bath. I was already in love with her.
After spending 4 hours in the NICU she was ready to go back to the maternity ward.
The next 72 hours was spent hanging out with the birth mom, taking care of the baby, trying all her headbands out,  falling more in love with this baby, and watching Nathan's heart grow for this little girl.
When people say you can't get attached until after the waiting period is over have never adopted a baby. How can you NOT love this tiny person who is so willing to love you back?
On the last day we left to go back to our hotel. We kissed the baby goodbye, not knowing we would never see her again. That evening I was texting the birth mom trying to express our appreciation, love, and gratitude for her. She was responded by thanking us for loving the baby and told us how comfortable she was with her decision.
At 8 am the next morning we got a call from the adoption agency explaining how the birth mom was struggling with her decision. We were told not to go back to the hospital until we were called. After breakfast we drove to the hospital and sat in our car in the parking garage. We sat listened to music and prayed and prayed and prayed. The time dragged on and on and on. Finally, at 1:48pm we got the call the birth mom had decided to parent the baby. To say I was devastated is an under statement.
It was a horrible drive back to Nathan's family's house. I cried the entire 2.5 hr drive and then cried some more. Nathan has stayed strong for me. I know he is just as heart broken.
Since coming home, I have packed away the nursery and have sent a letter to the birth mom trying to express our understanding.
I know I am suppose to forgive her and that God has a reason for this horrible experience but right now, as I sit here crying, it is REALLY hard to understand Gods timing or reasoning.
We know that God has a baby for us and someday he will give us that child but my heart it still broken and my angry/jealousy is overwhelming.
My family has been so supportive and been a great distraction. But now that things have settled down I find myself crying over everything and my heart aching all the time. I know it will get better and I pray that I will rely on my Savior and I know He will get me through this. But right not forgiving and forgetting are never easy.
Until next time...
By the way, I know we introduced this baby on Facebook and we gave her a name. After a long discussion we have decided to keep this name for our first daughter when ever she comes. The birth mom has given her a different name.