Well it has been a few weeks since our hearts were broken so I thought I would try to explain everything.
We were in OH for 9 days. 6 of those days we spend with the birth mom. We were by her side all day. We provided support and were a comfort while she endured 60 hours of labor. We really got to know each other. We made plans to meet yearly, sending gifts and pictures of the baby, and we heard her plans of getting on with her life.
After 60hrs the doctors decided on a c- section. I was honored to be asked to go into surgery with her. She wanted me with the baby as soon as she was out. It was truly a miracle to witness the birth of, what we thought would be, our child. The baby was born at 1:44pm weighing in at 8lbs exactly and 18 3/4 inches long ( it's amazing that I remember all of this). She was gorgeous. She scored low on her APGAR so she was sent to the NICU. Nathan and I were able to go with her. I did not leave her side. I was able to feed her her first bottle, change her first diaper, and give her her first bath. I was already in love with her.
After spending 4 hours in the NICU she was ready to go back to the maternity ward.
The next 72 hours was spent hanging out with the birth mom, taking care of the baby, trying all her headbands out, falling more in love with this baby, and watching Nathan's heart grow for this little girl.
When people say you can't get attached until after the waiting period is over have never adopted a baby. How can you NOT love this tiny person who is so willing to love you back?
On the last day we left to go back to our hotel. We kissed the baby goodbye, not knowing we would never see her again. That evening I was texting the birth mom trying to express our appreciation, love, and gratitude for her. She was responded by thanking us for loving the baby and told us how comfortable she was with her decision.
At 8 am the next morning we got a call from the adoption agency explaining how the birth mom was struggling with her decision. We were told not to go back to the hospital until we were called. After breakfast we drove to the hospital and sat in our car in the parking garage. We sat listened to music and prayed and prayed and prayed. The time dragged on and on and on. Finally, at 1:48pm we got the call the birth mom had decided to parent the baby. To say I was devastated is an under statement.
It was a horrible drive back to Nathan's family's house. I cried the entire 2.5 hr drive and then cried some more. Nathan has stayed strong for me. I know he is just as heart broken.
Since coming home, I have packed away the nursery and have sent a letter to the birth mom trying to express our understanding.
I know I am suppose to forgive her and that God has a reason for this horrible experience but right now, as I sit here crying, it is REALLY hard to understand Gods timing or reasoning.
We know that God has a baby for us and someday he will give us that child but my heart it still broken and my angry/jealousy is overwhelming.
My family has been so supportive and been a great distraction. But now that things have settled down I find myself crying over everything and my heart aching all the time. I know it will get better and I pray that I will rely on my Savior and I know He will get me through this. But right not forgiving and forgetting are never easy.
Until next time...
By the way, I know we introduced this baby on Facebook and we gave her a name. After a long discussion we have decided to keep this name for our first daughter when ever she comes. The birth mom has given her a different name.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
A little of this a little of that
Tomorrow we find out if the birth mom is ready to be induced on Wednesday.
We have been trying to prepare as much as possible.
Baby is packed
Weare almost packed
Pack n Play and car seat are ready to go
and the nursery is complete
Here are a few pictures of it. Thanks to a friend we were able to put the finishing touches on it last week. I am in love with it. Hope baby girl loves it too.
Please continue to pray for the birth mom. She has been in a lot of pain and now is so big it is hard for her to walk. And pray that tomorrow we will hear good news.
We have been trying to prepare as much as possible.
Baby is packed
We
Pack n Play and car seat are ready to go
and the nursery is complete
Here are a few pictures of it. Thanks to a friend we were able to put the finishing touches on it last week. I am in love with it. Hope baby girl loves it too.
Please continue to pray for the birth mom. She has been in a lot of pain and now is so big it is hard for her to walk. And pray that tomorrow we will hear good news.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Unbelievable Courage
A couple of weekends ago, we made a trip to Ohio. We had this trip planned for a few months. We were going to help celebrate Nathan's grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. What an accomplishment! I can only pray Nathan and I will be able to celebrate our 60th.
But this trip was extra special. We got to meet the birth mom.
Of course days leading to this I was a nervous wreck. What if she doesn't like us? Will our outfits make her hate us? (Yes I really did think that) What if we say something that we are not suppose to? What if she changes her mind? It's so hard to prepare for something like this. How do you "sale" yourself without sounding self centered?
So we made the trip to Northern Ohio and we took her out to dinner (yummy chipotle, her choice)!
She is the most sweet, kind, caring, funny, loving, comforting, courageous, strong, and brave person I have met. We were able to visit for 3.5 hours ( and the agency was concerned because our initial phone conference was short). We talked about our childhoods, what we like to do, a plan for the hospital, plans for after birth, and of course laughing at Nathan's cheesy jokes. The time flew by.
We came as strangers and left feeling like we were great friends!
It has been amazing to see Gods hand in this entire adoption. Not only did he answer prayers for a fast adoption. But He blessed us with a birth mom in a state that we have family. Also, He blessed us with a GREAT birth mom. She has told us numerous times she is at peace with her decision on choosing us.
As the due date approaches (July 3rd) please pray for us all. For her delivery, for our quick travels to OH, for the pain that she has been in, and that she remains at peace with her decision. Ohio state law is that she has 72 hours to change her mind. We pray that she won't and I can't even imagine the pain and sadness she will endure within the next couple of weeks!
But this trip was extra special. We got to meet the birth mom.
Of course days leading to this I was a nervous wreck. What if she doesn't like us? Will our outfits make her hate us? (Yes I really did think that) What if we say something that we are not suppose to? What if she changes her mind? It's so hard to prepare for something like this. How do you "sale" yourself without sounding self centered?
So we made the trip to Northern Ohio and we took her out to dinner (yummy chipotle, her choice)!
She is the most sweet, kind, caring, funny, loving, comforting, courageous, strong, and brave person I have met. We were able to visit for 3.5 hours ( and the agency was concerned because our initial phone conference was short). We talked about our childhoods, what we like to do, a plan for the hospital, plans for after birth, and of course laughing at Nathan's cheesy jokes. The time flew by.
We came as strangers and left feeling like we were great friends!
It has been amazing to see Gods hand in this entire adoption. Not only did he answer prayers for a fast adoption. But He blessed us with a birth mom in a state that we have family. Also, He blessed us with a GREAT birth mom. She has told us numerous times she is at peace with her decision on choosing us.
As the due date approaches (July 3rd) please pray for us all. For her delivery, for our quick travels to OH, for the pain that she has been in, and that she remains at peace with her decision. Ohio state law is that she has 72 hours to change her mind. We pray that she won't and I can't even imagine the pain and sadness she will endure within the next couple of weeks!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The Cat is out of the Bag
A week and a half after we went "active" we got the call every adoptive family waits for.
A wonderful young lady chose us to be her child's adoptive family.
Wewere are so excited!
On Tuesday May 14th we received a call from American Adoptions. They informed us that we were chosen but this young lady's budget was more than ours (we are able to decline this match because our budgets don't match).
But!!!!
The other information (personal information that we choose not to share) made her a PERFECT match.
With SO much help from my parents, we were able to accept this match.
Needless to say, we have a birth mother. She is due July 3rd and she is having a girl!!
Even with all this excitement, we have to remember that the birth mother can change her mind. The state the birth mother is in there is a 72 hour time period that she has to change her mind. It is still a very REAL possibility that this could happen. We have spoken to her a few times and we will get to meet her in 2 weeks. She feels comfortable and confident that she is making the right decision. But we continue to pray that this is God's plan. That the birth mom is at peace with her decision. And that she and the baby remain healthy.
So we waitimpatiently for the next call for us to head to the hospital.
A wonderful young lady chose us to be her child's adoptive family.
We
On Tuesday May 14th we received a call from American Adoptions. They informed us that we were chosen but this young lady's budget was more than ours (we are able to decline this match because our budgets don't match).
But!!!!
The other information (personal information that we choose not to share) made her a PERFECT match.
With SO much help from my parents, we were able to accept this match.
Needless to say, we have a birth mother. She is due July 3rd and she is having a girl!!
Even with all this excitement, we have to remember that the birth mother can change her mind. The state the birth mother is in there is a 72 hour time period that she has to change her mind. It is still a very REAL possibility that this could happen. We have spoken to her a few times and we will get to meet her in 2 weeks. She feels comfortable and confident that she is making the right decision. But we continue to pray that this is God's plan. That the birth mom is at peace with her decision. And that she and the baby remain healthy.
So we wait
Thursday, May 16, 2013
We Are Active!!!
Disclaimer: this post is a few weeks out dated
We have sent in our activation papers and are now an active family.
Since we have been accepted and are now an active family, our family profile will be sent all over the USA to birth moms. It is just a matter of time until a birth mother will choose us. The average wait time is 0-12 months + however far along the birth mother may be in her pregnancy. Once chosen, we only have 2 days to complete the remaining paper work and send the rest/bulk of our money.
We are VERY excited for this next step and can't wait to see what God has in store for us.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Too much to express
As we get closer to becoming an "active family" we are flooded with, what feels like, a million emotions. And yet again, we are shown that Nathan is in a different place than I am in this adoption.
I have a tendency to get my hopes up, rush things, and just be an impatient, impractical, irrational person.
Nathan is reserved, laid back, rational, patient, and believes everything comes at its own time. I am ready to be "active" where as Nathan has concern and anxiety surrounding this next step in our adoption. I am so excited and ready to become a mother but becoming a father is very overwhelming for Nathan.
So after a long talk, tears, and hugs we have decided I will slow down and be patient with Nathan, and he will get his anxiety in order and meet me half way. We will be understanding of each others feelings and both get on the same page... Of excitement!
Sooo
We have finished our home study. The report should be finished and sent to our agency by the end of the month. We have finished our family profile and will be printed out and ready to send to birth families as soon as we go "active".
We are receiving our video equipment over Easter to start our video profile. We will be interviewed, family and friends will be interviewed, and footage of us being us will be collected and sent to be edited and put into a video. This will be sent to birth families and put on YouTube as soon as we go "active".
Going "active" is a huge step! Once "active" we are able to be chosen by any birth mom in any state. Then it is just a matter of time before we will have our baby!
Of course, there can be bumps along the way. So we continue to pray that God is in control of this situation. We are still behind in funds as well. We need $11,000 to be fully funded for our baby. We continue to pray for this as well!
Stay tuned for pictures of new nursery furnishings!
I have a tendency to get my hopes up, rush things, and just be an impatient, impractical, irrational person.
Nathan is reserved, laid back, rational, patient, and believes everything comes at its own time. I am ready to be "active" where as Nathan has concern and anxiety surrounding this next step in our adoption. I am so excited and ready to become a mother but becoming a father is very overwhelming for Nathan.
So after a long talk, tears, and hugs we have decided I will slow down and be patient with Nathan, and he will get his anxiety in order and meet me half way. We will be understanding of each others feelings and both get on the same page... Of excitement!
Sooo
We have finished our home study. The report should be finished and sent to our agency by the end of the month. We have finished our family profile and will be printed out and ready to send to birth families as soon as we go "active".
We are receiving our video equipment over Easter to start our video profile. We will be interviewed, family and friends will be interviewed, and footage of us being us will be collected and sent to be edited and put into a video. This will be sent to birth families and put on YouTube as soon as we go "active".
Going "active" is a huge step! Once "active" we are able to be chosen by any birth mom in any state. Then it is just a matter of time before we will have our baby!
Of course, there can be bumps along the way. So we continue to pray that God is in control of this situation. We are still behind in funds as well. We need $11,000 to be fully funded for our baby. We continue to pray for this as well!
Stay tuned for pictures of new nursery furnishings!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
2 steps forward 1 HUGE step back
Our holidays were wonderful. I had an amazing time in India. And the husband and pup enjoyed their time in Alabama.
I spent Christmas standing on a train platform freezing my bum off for 7 hours and New Years on a safari finding a tiger (which we saw 2)! Of course I have lots more stories. Here are a few pictures from my trip.
Enough about the holidays... How about an update about our adoption.
As we are getting close to submitting our entire home study packet, I have had mixed feelings. I'm so excited to say that we are done with our home study but I'm so scared to go "active" with our adoption agency.
Here is how it works...
While finishing up our home study, I have been filling out our profile with American Adoptions. Once we have passed out home study, we can go "active" with AA. Being active means birth moms can look at our profile online and/or via hard copies.
If a birth mom likes us (and she meets our criteria), we will have a phone conference with her and an adoption counselor. If she likes us even more after our phone conference, then she informs AA that she wants our family to adopt her baby. Once that happens, we have 48 hours to come up with the bulk of our money ($20,000). We are NO where close to that...
And so I feel discouraged, overwhelmed, and stressed.
How will we be able to get this money? Do we have to put off our adoption even more? What can we do to be able to finish and follow through with this?
These questions are a broken record in my head.
I am trying so hard to not worry and pray that God takes over but I seem to not be able to give up my control. I am thankful for a husband who is calm and relaxed about everything. He has been a great support and is there to talk me off my cliff when I am about to jump.
With all this being said... I pray that we will see answers soon.
I spent Christmas standing on a train platform freezing my bum off for 7 hours and New Years on a safari finding a tiger (which we saw 2)! Of course I have lots more stories. Here are a few pictures from my trip.
(look closely... you can see the tiger)
flower ceremony on the Ganges
lovely lunch at a hunting lodge
our group at the Chanderi rock paintings
trying to get wifi in Alipura
palace wall in Orrcha
Taj Mahal
Thank you SOOOOO much Ma for this amazing trip! I can't wait to go back.Enough about the holidays... How about an update about our adoption.
As we are getting close to submitting our entire home study packet, I have had mixed feelings. I'm so excited to say that we are done with our home study but I'm so scared to go "active" with our adoption agency.
Here is how it works...
While finishing up our home study, I have been filling out our profile with American Adoptions. Once we have passed out home study, we can go "active" with AA. Being active means birth moms can look at our profile online and/or via hard copies.
If a birth mom likes us (and she meets our criteria), we will have a phone conference with her and an adoption counselor. If she likes us even more after our phone conference, then she informs AA that she wants our family to adopt her baby. Once that happens, we have 48 hours to come up with the bulk of our money ($20,000). We are NO where close to that...
And so I feel discouraged, overwhelmed, and stressed.
How will we be able to get this money? Do we have to put off our adoption even more? What can we do to be able to finish and follow through with this?
These questions are a broken record in my head.
I am trying so hard to not worry and pray that God takes over but I seem to not be able to give up my control. I am thankful for a husband who is calm and relaxed about everything. He has been a great support and is there to talk me off my cliff when I am about to jump.
With all this being said... I pray that we will see answers soon.
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